Posted in Random Posts

I want to commit suicide

Its 5 in the morning. My alarm rang with my favorite song “All I wanna do is find a way back into love”… Really !!! After living a life full of betrayal’s I really want to find my way back into love! Crap! I want to die. I want to commit suicide… What is left for me to live in this world . Living a life with the curse of Lord Venus , every second man I meet turns out to be an opportunist. Where every time I try to prove myself in my work place the woman with wet lips lathers up the show.
I am on my way to lose my job.I have spent my life searching for my Mr. Right.Looks like no Mr. Right exists. Looks like hard work at job does not count.You got to be a scarlet woman… Oh! I wish I had learnt terms and condition to live in this world. With a sigh and ongoing thought process I woke up at 5:30 am. Half asleep , inside my mind a very strong voice was asking me to commit suicide. You do not belong to this world, for how long will you fight back . Let it be and move towards salvation, your time has come!!
Really!!May be right,but the question is how I should commit suicide . there were many weird ideas popping up in my head but none of them appealed to me.
I was late today, so decided to take a tuk tuk to reach office. I noticed that the tuk tuk driver who was driving had tears flowing his eyes and also he was driving quite rash.I took my earphones off while stopping the music on my cell phone and asked the driver to stop. The voice in my mind whispered… you should die kill yourself but why should I let someone else kill me.
Hey, stop what is your problem I asked the driver.Why are you driving so rash and crying too
Madam, my daughter is in hospital . She needs blood and I need Rs.1700 to buy her blood group. It is available only at one hospital . My daughter will die if I don’t reach on time. I am driving fast so that I can earn maximum amount of money today.
Oh! Don’t worry, God is there, he would help you. My office is nearby, I offered to walk from there..
In my mind, the voice whispered again, as it is you are going to commit suicide this evening why don’t you give the amount you are carrying in your purse to him.
I agreed to the conversation I just had with my conscience and handed him Rs 800 .
He counted the money and asked me If i could give him some more money.
I apologised and told him no this is all I have right now. I have kept these Rs100 for myself.
Without saying thanks he started his auto and vanished off. That was bad, I said to myself. At least he could have said thank you in return.I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk towards office .

I reached office and then the voice inside commanded me to concentrate on my work. it even told me they all are supporting her.Your respect is in your hand’s. As we were conversing, a woman came in with a lovely smiling face. Yes I knew she was from sales team of a hotel. While I was chatting with her, ignoring what was going in my life and how fed up I was with my life. We became friends instantly and started chatting. She started crying inconsolably and I requested her to vent her heart out.
Why are you crying I asked worried about my new friend
My husband divorced me and my parents do not want to keep me with them as my younger sister is of marriageable age. I am staying at PG and my family refuses to even meet me. I don’t know for how long I will live this lonely life !!
Before I could say or discuss her issue, my boss entered and she had to leave.
My mind was still contemplating ways to suicide. It whispered in a dominating tone , the best way to kill myself is to jump in front of metro . Surely they will inform my parents. I reached metro station and watched few metros pass by. While watching them, I ended up meeting a old friend who was quite dominating in nature. She was with her 11 years old kid.
I acted normal. She requested me look after her kid for few minutes while she bought something from the nearby store for him to munch on. Her boy and I have been friends.He is very fond of me and shares almost everything. We are buddies
The boy said: – Didi, you know I sometimes think I should kill myself
My eyes widened with fear and I asked why Samer
This time in test I bought 85 % but look at her she scolded me and compared me to another kid of my class who scored 97%. You tell me, how I can force myself. I cannot remember each and everything. I am not him.. She is not taking me for outing this summer as a punishment. she tells me study, study and study all the time. Life is so boring it is all about studying every time.
No samer, take this thought out of your mind I said worried somewhere in my heart for this kid.. Your mum is only trying to make your future better.
But I want to be a singer didi . She is forcing me to be an engineer or IAS and that is not what I want…
Before Samer could vent his heart out, his mother came and she asked me to accompany her in metro.
You cannot say NO to samer’s mother and I had to be with her in the metro…
The voice inside me said: uh, looks like your program is failing, remember you must die today…
While in the metro, I heard two women cribbing about how late they had reached office in the morning because of some man who had committed suicide and had to hear the scolding of their team leader.
The lady said: people don’t think before killing themselves that they can bring troubles to the whole good lot people travelling in metro!!!
The other lady replied : yes, who knows someone is getting late for work, or for some meeting, or for some enticing tryst which all could come to an end just because they decide to lie in front of metro to end their lives.
I over heard their conversation and got down at my place bidding bye to Samer and his mother.
The voice inside my mind started to talk once more and before it could say anything more I said “Shut up”
I realized, God made me meet so many beautiful people this day who were finding difficult to survive. Who are fighting with death for their loved one’s. Who are ailing for their lovers or family and what had I to lose!! A job! A broken heart… as I was arguing with the voice in my head and travelling towards my home I received a call from my father telling me that he was waiting for me to reach home early as he had made my favorite mutton biryani. I smiled and said I am coming and kept the phone down.

Seconds later, I received a call from my sister and then one by one each and every member of my family called me to reach home early for one or the other reason. I don’t know whether they all had caught my vibe’s or the little voice pestering inside me made her heard herself to everyone cause as I reached home, my little poochee made me feel on top of the world by showing his happiness on seeing me.His licks brought tears to my eyes.

Had I heard that voice, this evening without thinking twice, I would have missed my mutton biryani, I would have missed all the calls I received from my family of showing me how much they loved me, I would have missed my pooches’ happiness in seeing me at the door.

No wonder the voice was very strong but I had to overpower it while counting my blessings.I looked back in the day and realised that everyone has a cross to carry . I decided , if ever again in my life this voice comes back forcing me to kill myself , I would go out and do service. I will serve those who are more lonely than me. I would help those who need more money than me. I would try to be a medicine to those who did not know what to do with their lives once their heart was broken. I would be family to those who are missing love of the family.
I resign from the thought of committing suicide… I welcome life as it is and embrace it while counting my blessings God has offered. I know it is difficult to stop that dominating inner voice but you have control over your thoughts, choose the one with affinity and you will never look back. Have a good nighteveryone ☺

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Author:

I was born up in Delhi and has been living in the city since then; I have completed my graduation from the Delhi University. I come from a respectable and close-knit family. As an individual, my endearing nature and cheerful personality makes me popular among friends. I am an avid reader – I am fond of reading anything to do with spiritualism, psychology, the psychic realm, reincarnations and autobiographies. My favorite authors include Brain Weiss, Paulo Coelho, Brian Tracy, Gary Chapman, Louise Hay and Doreen Virtue, Sudha Murthy, Priya Kumar among many others. I feel my connect with books not only enhances my knowledge but also inspires me. I have put a pen to my thoughts and created book of poems called Love beyond Veils, book of short stories The golden hour and the gang of wonder kids available on amazon and Flipkart I am also fond of music and plays the guitar too. I have keenness in mysticism and the occult – I am a certified Pranic and Reiki healer, Angel therapist, Tarot Card reader and an astrologer. I share a deep love for animals and this is reflected in the fact that I took up the healing courses ostensibly to alleviate the suffering of stray animals. I practice meditation too. Professionally, I began my career with an international airline; then switched to work for diplomatic missions. I sat for the IELTS (International English Language Testing System) exam in 2009 to test and enhance my knowledge in the language.